In honor of the fact that I screwed up my Monday post and it’s now Tuesday, I’m going to re-designate Tuesday as the New Monday. This will, I’m sure, cause confusion in certain parts of the world, so I’d appreciate your support during this tricky transition phase.
Obviously, if today is Monday (which used to be Tuesday) that means yesterday was Sunday. Hence, if you worked yesterday (New Sunday as it will now be called), you worked on a day off and that should qualify as double overtime. Alternatively, if you forgot to work yesterday you can bask in the glory of a three-day weekend. Those of you who forgot to remember the future and plan ahead for the past will have write yesterday off to experience.
There will be some other adjustments that are required.
For example, if New Monday is actually Tuesday then New Friday will occur on Saturday, which means a late end to the working week. However, it was my fault we started late, and I don’t think we want to be late twice in one week, so for this first New Week, New Thursday (actually Friday) will be combined with New Friday, making the end of this week New ThurFriday. Don’t get used to this one, it’s a one-off deal.
Likewise, Monday Night Football will have to become New Sunday Night Football. Negotiations are on going with advertisers that may extend the commercial breaks to the extent that New Sunday Night Football may actually last until New Monday night. Certain picky, picky government officials are hoping the increased advertising revenue might actually pay off their debts. Sorry, I mean, the national debit (how could I make such a mistake?).
Naturally, Valentine’s Day will be renamed Valentine’s Eve. This means girls will have a bona fide excuse to write “I want chocolates and a night out” on the fridge door (preferably on an eye-line with the beer) and guys will get an unmistakable warning that they need to get their act together. A win-win all round.
People born on February 29th will now have been born on March 1st. This means they will get a birthday party every year. On the downside, they’re now four times older than they were. Sorry about that.
New Year’s Eve will become New Year’s Eve is Tomorrow, Stock Up On Cheap Champagne Day. Then the new, New Year’s Day will become New New Year’s Day and will be celebrated on the 2nd.
Finally, Ascension Sunday was to become Ascension Saturday, but since this may cause problems with other parts of the religious calendar we’ll keep it as New Ascension Sunday (which will be held on Saturday) to avoid any Ascension tension.
Well, I think that should do it. A whole “new” calendar based around my inability to click on the correct day for my blog to be published. Of course, if there are any “old-ists” of you out there that would like to argue for the preservation of their “old” days (Shrove Tuesday, for example), put forward an argument and we’ll discuss it tomorrow.