Valentine’s day is here again. It’s fun, it’s fraught and … this blog’s family oriented, so I’m going to stop there. However, as much fun as it is for the lovers of this world; spare a thought for the guy who works overtime all day long. Yep, Cupid.
Cupid took over from Eros. Well, when I say took over, Eros held the intellectual high ground on love, Cupid just picked up the more physical side of things (it was in his Roman genes). While Eros spent time posing for statues, Cupid just got down and, er, on with things. That gives the guy plenty to talk about, and fortunately, by the magic of email, he’s agreed to give us an insight into his yet-to-be-published autobiography …
I was pretty young when I was approach to take the position of God of Desire. It seemed like a good gig at the time, so I signed up without reading through all the fine print. Boy, was that a mistake. Let me tell you, any Deity comes along with a contract for you to sign – make sure you read it all. These guys don’t do things by halves, a few thousand years later and they still have me working by fingers to the bone, and I’m still a baby. But things are getting better, I’ve got a much more relaxed approach to the whole love-and-desire thing now.
Back in my early days, Eros gave me a bow and arrow. What’s that you say? Stole? No, no, that was all a misunderstanding. I told Eros I was going to borrow it and give it back when I was done, and technically I’m not done, so there. His civil suit is just sour grapes, he’s still a big draw on the modeling circuit, so what’s he complaining about?
Ok, so there I am, bow and arrow in hand, wandering around, instilling lust and desire with a flick of the wrist. At least I was when my aim improved. To start with I just shot people in the butt, to wit the whole Dido and Aeneas saga. I told her at the time not to put all her faith in a Trojan, but would she listen? Different consequences, but it’s the same story today of course …
After a few hundred years the Romans started getting out of hand. I had to run from one appointment to the next. There were arrows flying in all directions. I was exhausted all the time. That’s when I put my foot down, or more specifically my arrows, and demanded wings. It didn’t take long before the Gods were begging me to get back to work and the wings were on my back.
Now, wings are good. If you ever get the chance to try them, go for it, they’re a blast. On the smiting-people-with-desire front they were pretty good too. I could get from one Roman orgy to the next in no time. I was popular at all the “in” parties and first on everyone’s invitation list.
The next thousand years were a blast. With wings I cut out all the tedious walking around. Bow developments perfected longer and longer ranges, and before you know it I was able to just turn up in a town, sit in a burger joint and spread love and desire from where I sat. When planes and trains were invented I could travel in style, and boy did I clock up the frequent flyer miles. Course, I had to go first class, all those parties had plenty of food, and I do like my food.
People often ask why I’ve stuck with the bow. Well, I’ve tried other methods, but the bow is best. I tried daggers (a chat with some dude called Shakespeare about a chick named Juliet put paid to that idea) and bullets (the ricochets – wow, talk about love triangles). I did hold out hope for the glove. It didn’t work, but it did teach me a lesson.
Ok, ok, I can hear you asking “a glove?” See, if you’re going to toy with someone’s affections, you can’t just go up to them and have a quick chat. Well, not if you’re a three foot tall cherubim who’s a “touch” on the heavy side. No, in my case I need something to get people’s attention. I experimented with various types of gloves, and settled on black leather. It gives a good smack and certainly gets the attention, besides, the pink fluffy one made the guys laugh at me. These things are important when you’re a three thousand year old baby.
So things were going great; I was smacking my way from one lonely heart to another, and I didn’t have to carry all those arrows (because you never get them back you know, no matter what they promise).
Now, I know what you’re thinking, where’s the glove today? Well, one day I was in France, slapped this guy on the cheek because he was patently ignoring the girl who was pining over him, and quick as a flash he’s waving a sword, shouting duel and all sorts. Normally I’m not one to back away from conflict (I do start plenty of it, after all), but this guy was wild. He broke up the furniture, smashed the windows, and kicked my butt (and there was plenty of it at the time).
I was about to strike him off my list and banish him to eternal singledom when I had an epiphany, I was out of shape, seriously out of shape. I mean, I’m Roman, we like ours chubby (or at least we did before the Vandals turned up) but I was pushing it. So that was it, I was straight back to the bow, the arrows – and the treadmill.
These days I’ve dropped a bunch of pounds, I’m eating healthy and getting plenty of exercise. In fact, people say they don’t recognize me (probably something to do with the love is blind thing). On the up side, I’m getting more done than ever – so if you’ve been waiting for that special someone, be nice, I might just be in your neighborhood this year!
(Images courtesy of TheHolidaySpot, Free Clip Art Graphics and Disney’s Wizards of Waverly Place)
Nigel – this is so creative and awesome! I absolutely love this! It’s a nice blend of lore and cute, cheeky personality. This is one of my favorite Valentine’s day posts this year!
Just one small things I wanted to point out to you. Paragraph three should be “approached”.
Great job – love the Shakespeare and Juliet reference. He’s such a cheeky fellow! 🙂 Happy Valentine’s Day!
Glad you liked it. Shakespeare is always reliable where love and daggers are concerned! It was a last minute thing (hey, I’m male) so apologies for the grammar.
Hope you had a suitable card, chocolate, and flower filled day!
Thanks Nigel – it was a very quiet day of just the fiance and I. No gifts other than spending precious time together, which is better than any chocolate, flowers or cards. How was your day?
Thanks for the “flight” (sorry, can’t resist a bad joke) of fancy – I particularly enjoyed his glove-slapping phase!
As a fellow archer, I have to sympathize with Cupid’s difficulties in maintaining his arrow supply, though the thought of shooting anybody in the butt makes me shiver. When you know what a real arrow will do, the whole Cupid thing is a little disturbing. A glove seems like a much better solution. 🙂
Happy Valentine’s Day, and may Cupid be gentle with you.
You’re right, even without all the cams and modern materials, arrows can make a horrible mess. In fact it makes me wonder how that image arose. Hopefully you got suitably slapped about today – in the best possible way, of course!
Great job getting the interview Nigel. The worlds journalists must feel a bit disturbed about beeing scooped by an engineer. Most of them still can’t do algebra and here you are geting the interview of the century. That can’t be easy for them to accept.
I hope he will get to work on the worlds despots and their goons. I have a theory that it is hard to be a desrtuctivel goon and be truly in love at the same time. For on thing the time constraints would keep the worlds goons from showing up to brutalize the world on schedule.
I have been trying to contact eros for years. I want to request a special “love gun”. It would look like a modern automobile key fob. Innstead of someone strugeling to get a 1,000 yard rifle shot on a despot I could pose as an adoring citizen and bingo! We’d have a dictator madly in love with his body guards. It would be so much more fun for everyone.
The interview? Well, like so many others on valentine’s day, I got lucky. The love gun idea’s great, providing the despots of the world didn’t fall in love with each other, because they’re that way inclined to start with, it seems.
I have to say there are quite a few key fobs that would make me fall in love, no Cupid required! I wonder, is there a roman god of Ferrari?
You mean there’s a cupid? I always thought the way to get your man was to rugby tackle them to the ground and sit on them until they agreed to take you out. 🙂
LOL! Why am I not surprised at your dating tactics? Just out of interest, how long did it take your husband’s bones to heal after your first night out?
Thanks for the laugh Donna 🙂
A refreshing bit of history. Wish my professor had been as much fun.
Thanks for stopping by Gloria Richard Writes, Nigel! I’m back in Gloria’s hammock tomorrow.
Fun? Fun? You make it sound as if I made this stuff up. Really, I wrote and he agreed, simple as that. He put me on to a few other people as well, but that’s for the future (like it would be for the past, I hear you say).
Good luck in the hammock. And hang on tight, I almost broke my neck falling out of one once! But knowing Gloria there’ll be something suitably soft to land on.
So witty and HILARIOUS Nigel 🙂 I couldn’t stop chuckling.
“I told her at the time not to put all her faith in a Trojan, but would she listen? Different consequences, but it’s the same story today of course …” – brilliant. All of it… brilliant!
Glad you enjoyed it, Ingrid.
I’ve just noticed I haven’t been copying you with the WWBC emails. Sorry about that, I’ll add your address to my list.
Fantastic post, Nigel! So glad Ingrid’s post led me here… Would have been a sad one to miss. Cheers to you and cupid!
Hi August, glad you liked it. It was a stretch for me to write anything about love. Most of my writing involves pain as the only feeling!
Have a great week!
Nigel, this is brilliant! Pitch-perfect voice. And first cupid’s pic is great too 🙂
Thank you, Ingrid, for pointing out his post to me.
Glad you liked it. It took a while for him to return my calls but eventually he gave in a dished some goods!