I’m really glad you chose to visit my blog today. Why? Because I’m dying to tell you about my new patent. Within days it will turn the technology world upside down and revolutionize almost everything we touch. Never mind the death of JFK, in years to come, people will ask each other what they were doing when they first heard about this new technology. This really is a fabulous ground floor opportunity for fast moving investment companies, so get your checkbooks out.
Obviously, I can’t go revealing the details of my invention to the whole world, and normally I’d need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement, but since this is the internet, I’ll just take your continued reading as your promise not to tell anyone about this, ok? Good, thanks.
So, what’s the technology?
Ah ha, I heard that sharp intake of breath. I can almost feel mice being clutched tighter and people leaning closer to their computer screens. Yes, WOM (as it’s referred to by those of us in the business) stands to revolutionize the entire digital world. iPads, iPods, iPhones, will never be the same again. Computers, cars, and coffee makers – everything will be different with the introduction of WOM.
It hasn’t been easy. WOM has required a massive investment of time and effort. No expense has been spared. New nano-production techniques have been developed, rare earth elements were dug from deep underground, and I even cleared out the corner of my garage.
The key to WOM technology and the revolution it will bring about is the realization that much of the complexity of today’s memory devices comes from the need to read data out of them. Once you embrace the simplicity that restricting memory devices to write-only, Occam’s razor can really swing.
Early experiments were with made with large scale prototypes, such as the one below
By comparing it to a typical circuit card design, you can clearly see how WOM technology avoids such tricky things as ringing on data lines, buried micro-vias, and getting the little labels to stick on the black plastic bits.
This incredible simplification comes about purely through relieving the designers from the burden of retrieving anything from the core WOM device.
The large scale device above was early work. Pioneering miniaturization technology has dramatically shrunk the size of these prototypes. Each new generation of the technology has been put through grueling torture tests to ensure it was safe to proceed with the development. Verification, always a major cost driver complex technical project, became so much easier once we realized no-one is going to get data back out of the devices and we stopped worrying about it.
This relentless push for faster products has fueled the development of WOM chips with very high speeds and very low weight, all while keeping costs under control. Production is ramping up and currently shipping WOM chips can easily be incorporated in existing designs, they literally snap together for that professional finish.
Cell phone, computer, and camera manufacturers are expected to be lining up outside my garage door any day now. And you can understand why. Even with the current technology with just one dual-layer core-4 organically-grown WOM chip, it will be possible to store the entire contents of the internet in a device no bigger than a dual-layer core-4 organically-grown WOM chip. Yes, I know, astounding, isn’t it?
And the benefits don’t just stop there. For example, if your WOM equipped cell phone is stolen by thieves we absolutely guarantee that they will not be able to retrieve your private and sensitive data (or those embarrassing Christmas party pictures where you can’t quite make out what part of whose body you photographed).
The introduction of WOM technology will yield major improvements in modern life. For instance, since no-one will be able to retrieve your data from a WOM enabled computer system, complex passwords will become a things of the past. Think of it, no more remembering all that capital B, lowercase ampersand, underline seventy-three rubbish. This inherent security means that expensive encryption techniques will no longer be required. I realize I will have to get the devices cleared with the NSA before they go on sale to the public, but it is a task I am willing to undertake to bring such a benefit to the world (and, taking a tip from the phone companies, it will be added to the bill as a government levy).
Entertainment is another area that is ripe for WOM technology.
Everyone knows that DVRs don’t just record television shows so people can watch them later. No, the main purpose for a DVR is to relieve the human conscious of the worry that they *might* have missed something as important as the 11th rerun of Days of Our Lives. Once they are relieved of that worry, most people never get around to actually watching the rerun anyway. So, recording to WOM media will be a major saving in cost and complexity with no loss of relief to the human consciousness. It’s a win-win.
Government agencies are already signing up for this technology. The GSA will be using it to store the records of their next Las Vegas meeting, Weiner’s everywhere will be storing their photo’s on it, and Senators are already using it to store details of their insider dealings.
However, I have to say that there is no truth in the rumor that hospitals have been using WOM technology for years, despite the fact they are able to bill you for a stay in the ICU, even though they have no record of your name, address, date of admission, or which leg they removed.
Now, I know what you’re thinking … what does the future hold for WOM developments and how can I invest in this breathtaking opportunity?
Well, first of all, the future. WOM engineers are hard at work miniaturizing the current design (smaller crocodile clips, for example), but the real future lies in the cloud. iWOM will going live as soon as we can obtain the rights to the domain wheresmydatagone.com. We will, of course, be using a subscription model for charging for storage on our WOM cloud – this stuff doesn’t come cheap.
Now, investment – this is where WOM gets really exciting. I’m pretty sure my patent is going to be approved any day now, and we are open to offers to completely buy out the rights to WOM. We would suggest a full stock-swap of our company for, let’s say, Apple or Microsoft. However, we understand there may be some picky-picky legal people who delay that process, so instead we are happy to take $100 bills (in stacks of at least two inches) as a down payment in this golden investment opportunity. Please let me know when you send them as our mail isn’t always that reliable.
In the meantime, what furture application do you see for WOM technology? Or, perhaps you’ve already experienced the thrill of write-only memory, and are just bursting to tell someone about it changed your life? Well, go ahead; the world is hanging on your every sentence (which will have to be stored on oh-so-yesterday read-write memory until my patent gets approved).
Nigel, I raise to you a glass of champagne, pink and fizzy, and toast your success.
Don’t drink too much, that stuffs expensive and no stacks of bills have turned up yet. But fear not, I’m sure they’re on their way, so we’ll have a party soon.
Sign me up! I lost a cell phone with embarrassing photos and sat there perspiring, waiting for the shots to appear online, until a friend’s neighbor found it. (Whew!)
Sounds like a fascinating, useful product. I wonder how crime investigators will use it… And car manufacturers… And Oprah. (That just flew into my brain for no apparent reason.) Regardless, cheers to its soon success! Hope you’ll invite us to the launch party.
Consider yourself enrolled. I’ll put you down for at least a three feet stack of bills, ok? That should cover an initial investment, we can talk about a full investment later (when it runs out).
I’m not sure how I could sell the idea to Oprah, but hey, she’s rich, it’s worth a try.
My stacks of $100 bills are in the mail, clearly marked “Contains large amounts of unmarked cash – deliver directly to recipient”, so I’m sure you should have the package shortly. Just in case it doesn’t arrive, though, I’ve stored the tracking number on my state-of-the-art between-the-ears WOM.
I’ve actually had WOM for years, but I never realized its potential until now. Thank you for the opportunity to invest in such promising technology.
P.S. Thanks for the belly laugh – this just tickles my geek funnybone!
Excellent news on the $100 bill front. Though I have to warn you that if they don’t get here I’ll have to charge you interest as I’ve already spent most of you investment (calibration of tools doesn’t come cheap these days).
I must admit, I think a lot of people have WOM capability. Fortunately, they can’t remember that they do.
Have you thought of the possible market for scheduling appointments for cable and telephone company installers? Or for doctors’ nd dentists’ offices.
I think this could be the biggest new invention since Herblock invented the dehydrated water pill for desert travel. You know, the one where you just add water . . .
Since you’re an engineer, you really need someone with sales experience to head your marketing program. Send me a few of those two-inch stack of hundreds, and we’ll talk.
LOL. Right, as soon as they start rolling in I’ll send a few your way. Marketing will be important, but I’m thinking of holding out for a complete stock-swap. I mean, its worth it, don’t you think?
Nigel –I think your soon-to-be patented WOM went viral. It’s infected the device I affectionately call my
money makerprinter. I’m trying to get my stacks together, but the currency is printing zero (0) where it should print One and the picture on the bills show Bozo.
I know things in Washington are bad, but…
Ah, a common problem. No fear, just go to the bank and ask them for some. Try and make them give you hundreds because I hate to mess with 50s and smaller, too much counting. Glad to see you’re going to buy into this opportunity – I know I won’t regret it 🙂
It’s been a day now. Have you made your first billion yet?
Well I’ve got a lot of promises, so I’ve taken out a few million on a loan in their names. Seems fair to me. By the way, none of this print-it-yourself rubbish, it’s so hard to get people to accept it.
Oooh. I just found a cool stack of bills for you. We had it hidden in one of our geeky game boxes. It says Star Wars Monopoly on it. I think there’s enough to cover a fair chunk of your needs. Sounds like you’re off to a good start. 🙂 I’ll get that out to you a.s.a.p.
Debra, you’re a star. In fact, only just the other day I was saying what a kind and thoughtful person you are, how you look after waifs and stays and lost animals, how amazingly photogenic you are and how you must surely by up for a Pulitzer or Nobel this year. Yes, definitely, this year for sure.
Oh, and if you could send those bills soon that would be much appreciated. Some of the other investors haven’t quite managed to get money in the mail yet. I really think some of them are going to be disappointed when WOM technology goes big.
Ha! Where do I sign up?
Just send me a bunch of hundreds and you’re in. Since you seem like a techie, if you need a pre-preoduction sample for testing I’ll be glad to send one. I absolutely promise it will be write-only.