I was eating breakfast this morning when I heard a tapping on the window. It was quite a loud, solid tapping, the kind of authoritative rat-tat-tat that demands attention. In this case the rat-tat-tatter got quite a lot of my attention. In fact, it got every single ounce of my attention because the authoritative ratter was no less than a six-foot tall spider.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t do spiders. I don’t go out of my way to tread on them or anything, but this one did motivate me to action. It was about 8.739 seconds before I had collected every single spray product in the house, a gallon of bleach, three forty-fives, a pair of shotguns, and a double barreled RPG launcher. You may be thinking that I am exaggerating here, and you might be right – there might be a little bit of fluff on the exact amount of time to took to collect said arsenal, but it was certainly no more than 8.74 seconds. And if you’re thinking of questioning the double barreled thing, don’t forget, I live in Texas.
So, there I was, eyeball to pointy-sticky-multifaceted-ocular-sensory-thingy, when I noticed the spider was holding up a piece of paper. This was something of a doom laden moment. You see, I’ve never really completely bought into the whole “pen is mightier than the sword” thing, and I had the awful feeling this was where the argument would be settled (with me being on the less mighty side). Obviously, I was wrong otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this, so what happened?
After a moment I noticed the paper had some marks on it. It was pretty hard to read because it looked just like some spider had crawled all over the page, which clearly, it had. The inked-up spider had something of a complaint which it asked me to put out for the world. When I say “asked,” it made various gesticulations that ended up with it breaking a tree in two with it’s pincers while pointing at me. You can call me a little slow at times, but on this occasion I got the point. Or at least I got the message to avoid the point(s). So, here’s his note.
I’m Geoffrey, from the Office of Blood Sucking at the Ministry of Poisonous Araneae.
We at the Ministry are getting a bit fed up with the whole spiders at Halloween thing.
I mean, what is it with you humans that you have to vilify us? Can’t a spider go about its normal life without being branded as the very essence of evil every October? Can’t we live in peace, sucking the blood from other insects, without you lot churning out millions of plastic and rubber toys (that frankly have no resemblance to ourselves) in an effort to scare boys and girls everywhere? And do you really think that we air-breathing, eight-legged arthropods with venom filled fangs, really have a sticker on our butt that says “Made In China” like the “lifelike” models at the Halloween store? I mean, please.
Being a spider isn’t easy. You know that tying shoe laces thing you have to do every morning with your kids as they go to school? Well try that with eight-times the legs and three hundred kids. And don’t even get me started on the packed lunches.
And while we’re trying to bring our kids up right, you’re out making fun of us at the movies. The whole Ron Weasley’s fear of spiders things is just riddikulus. How can he really be scared of something furry? Or at least hairy? Is hairy that frightening that the wonderful wizarding world needs to educate your young in their phobias? And thinking of riddikulus, how come the red-headed one thinks spiders can’t roller skate? Am I really going to fall down if one of my eight legs goes in the wrong direction? Do you really think I tremble in fear at the dread seven-legged pirouette? At least JK had the good sense to slot in a perfectly normal example of your kind with Hagrid – now there’s a role model, three headed dogs, dragons, and plenty of spider action.
On the subject of action, Peter Parker seems to have gone over a treat. We at the Ministry are very pleased with the radiation cover story, and the conversion of one of your kind into a spider-based hero by the mere application of a red cat suit. Which, of course, goes to show that far from being the terrifying monsters you Halloweeners make us out to be, we’re really kind, lovable, law abiding (eight legged) citizens.
So, wise up, get that plastic spider crap off the front porch, bring out the witches and vampires, and lets just all get along.
Yours
Geoffrey two-pints
So, with Geoffrey’s note in mind, what’s on your porch this Halloween?
Cheers!
(Image courtesy of about.com)
OMG!
I’ve just spat white tea all over my keyboard.
You are on a roll with this one!
Nothing. I have nothing on my porch and trick or treaters don’t come down our road because there are no street lights. Since I’ve moved to this house I don’t get many casual callers, they’re too scared of the dark and of me 😉
Hi Christine
White tea? You’re so refined, aren’t you? Mind you, the spitting thing … 😉
Nothing on your porch? I expect you don’t get trick or treaters because of the children you’ve scared witless before 🙂
Cheers!
Haha! Cute 🙂 That spider would really be ticked off if it visited our house then. My husband hand-makes a ten foot spiderweb between two palm trees in our front yard. There’s a very large, very scary mechanical spider in it sucking the blood from some poor soul caught in the web. Creep factor: 10. 🙂
Happy Halloween!
Hi Shannon
Mechanical spiders? That’d freak me out. The house opposite us has cobwebs and spiders all over the trees and porch. When my daughter was three she vowed never to go near that house. I have to say I was pretty relieved not to have to hold her hand through all that stuff!
Happy Halloween!
Nothing at all. I don’t do Halloween. But have fun with your new spider friend.
Hi David. I could get him to drop round if you like. Keep a few dead insects handy just in case.
Cheers!
Would you lend me your double-barrelled RPG launcher? Please? Pleeeeease?
There’s nothing on my front porch. I’m a Halloween humbug. We turn out all the lights and go to the pub to drink beer and shoot pool until it’s too late for the little ghosties and ghoulies to be out. Then we hurry home before the big ghosties and ghoulies come out.
But it would be really cool to have a double-barrelled RPG launcher on my front porch… I have the perfect spot for it…
Hi Diane
Ah yes, the double barreled launcher. You’d be surprised what you can do with duct tape 😉 It’s all your provided you don’t go invading any small countries. BTW, aim high, these things can make a right mess of the driveway if you’re not careful.
No halloween? You humbug you. Mind you, one of our neighbors serves various types of punch from her garden, leaded and unleaded, of course. The whole walking round the neighborhood gets a lot easier afterwards 🙂
Cheers!
Hurray, your comments are working again! 🙂
No.
Actually, smart ass comments aside, the non-wordpress comments are working. When I turn on wordpress integration they go all 403-funky. I’m thinking of revamping my site, so I’ll get back to 21st century comments then.
Cheers 🙂
OMG, you had me crawling under the table at the mention of six feet! Loved the post, Nigel. Happy Halloween!
Hi Sheila. Not good with spiders? Good job you weren’t here this morning, this one was a doozy!
Happy halloween 🙂
Cheers!
While I might give Geoffrey a pass, just because he’s on YOUR (very cute) blog, I am not a fan of spiders. When they have them hanging in the trees, I skip that house. 🙂
Hi Jenny. I’m no fan of spiders either. I found one in the tree I was hanging a ghost on this morning. I got the bug spray and shovel in moments!
Sorry to hear about the shingles. Hope you’re getting better.
Cheers!
We’re out in the country, so we don’t get trick-or-treaters, which means we also don’t bother decorating. This was hilarious though! My apologies to Geoffrey, but spiders still creep me out. And thankfully, my cats think they’re a perfect snack 🙂
Hi Marcy.
Your cat eats them? We have plenty of geckos around our house, they’re supposed to eat them. I’d hate to see th gecko that could eat big G though!
Hope you enjoyed your quiet halloween!
Cheers 🙂
Not sure what will be at our front porch tonight. I’m away at the moment. I did however find what looked suspiciously like a black widow web this morning in a corner of my host’s house. I’m looking but so far no luck.
Given that you are in Texas why not upgrade from a flimsy RPG to a nice stylish Dragon LAW? Not that I would want you to use either on your own home but as a fashion statement the Dragon is superior. RPGs so loudly say “third world”. Texas has a reputation to defend. Don’t let your neighbors down.
Hi Holmes.
Black widow? I’d be bug spraying the neighborhood.
I must admit, RPG is somewhat trailer-trash like. Mind you, this is Texas, so if I go with the LAW I’d have to get two and duct tape them together. Or at least add a holster for something for close-in encounters.
Hope your halloween was suitable bug free.
Cheers!
I just have a little wreath with a plastic ghost and black cat in amongst the autumn flowers. I know, as a porch decorator, I’m pathetic. Definitely no spiders. Even fake ones give me the creeps.
But I loved big G’s letter! Hilarious. 🙂
Hi Kassandra
Hope you’re halloween went well 🙂 We have a couple of pumpkins and a few ghosts hanging in the trees. It was a good night in Texas, not cold and plenty of kids out in our neighborhood. Plus one of our neighbors serves apple cider from her porch – leaded and unleaded – which helps the evening go by!
Cheers!
That’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while, Nigel. Poor spiders, so maligned. I don’t mind the smaller ones, but any spiders with a leg span of more than a few inches give me the heebie jeebies.
Few inches???!!!! Bloody hell. I’m whacking anything bigger than a dime (but don’t mention it to George). Maybe spiders are nicer in NY?
Cheers!